Speed of Sound
Anthologized in
Hard Love, Writings on Violence
1997
they arent very nice they dont believe me im not one of them so they don’t understand
He did things to me. scissors the scarf maybe they wont even believe about the stuff in the bottle the bottles on that table over there they dont know what he did they know what i did cause i told them Ugly things. Please. believe me unspeakable things Carl
cars all the time swooshing by the house out in the street tires carrying fast cars by going fast slow going sounding fast sounding speed car lights on the wall in the dark and what he did what he always did im your husband i have my rights Serious head injury? I didn’t mean to, only to stop him. hello my name is happy she would tell me but i dont really hear her voice anymore because of the tires speed sound
Two years, yes, two years ago we got married. felice please i love you so please please marry me please girl nobody ever begged me for anything like that not even candy when i was little and no one else had any but me Not at first, no ma’am. at first i didnt know i was no good i never had before you just lay down he told me one night and ill show you he sucked my breasts rough like he always did even from the beginning with his teeth and rammed me hard with his thing and i heard the speed of tires on asphalt even back then and he finished right off but he didnt stop he diddled me with his fingers in and out and all around and everything got slippery with his cum and i began to heave up the first time for that and it felt good and he sucked my breasts again but gentle gentle that night for once then he licked them and didnt bite them and i got a rhythm and i beat myself into his fingers and thought about france and the girl named happy a lot back then and i came too for the first time see he said see i told you it was good now you know your part Stood there. Waiting, I guess. i heard them panting before i saw them and they came out from behind krammers fitzer shrubs I don’t know what I was waiting for. i practiced my husband practiced raped me it in my head till i knew practiced every time my husband Help? two dogs one big one littler panting and moving in jerky steps tail to tail looking around and backwards at each other and it took me a minute my husband to realize they were locked together the way dogs get when they mate dogs dont mate unless they want to both of them Dogs were in the bushes; they came running out. ill never go to France and meet the girl who lives there she imagines me with her name no hope
It was dark, and I don’t know if anyone saw me. Only the two dogs. in the beginning he used to ask me if i was in the mood feeling sexy did i want to play and i did thought i was doing it right what he wanted always to the sounds of the cars in the street their speed i could hear going fast going slow going going but he said i didnt get it it wasnt right not for a long time now has he asked me anything he rams me he sucks and spits on my breasts and bites me like he never gets enough for dinner or like he hates me but he doesnt he says he knows i like it this way because i always do my part but not the scissors scarf bottle stinging the poisoned babies blood sometimes inside out outside in not those things they are not my part I didn’t see anyone after the man in the car until the police came Just the dogs. walking sideways and looking back at each other like they were ready for it to be over i have my rights he would say like growling im your husband what does it matter no hope for you girlie no one will believe you nobody cares
Then I started walking towards the corner. ‘Scuse me? Where to? france maybe Oh, I don’t know where I thought I was going. i knew like those dogs i was walking towards something and away at the same time
My name is Felice Durbin, I am 22 years old, and I was raped. is this the way they want it i have practiced Yes sir, I understand: the facts.
Okay. I walked out my front door, down the walk, out into the street, and stood there in my nightdress. Yes sir, until the police car came. was a long time i think till they came though when i first went out there a car came right away and stopped big car but not new almost like one daddy drives maam he said I didn’t know him, didn’t think even for a second that it was Daddy driving up. do you need help Oh no, ma’am! Not Daddy! My daddy? No, no. Carl, and I know Carl. Yes, I know you know Carl, too. ive been raped i practiced i said to him through his open car window he kind of reminded me of my daddy some too grey-haired and the same glasses maybe even a little bit nicer smile opened his door and one foot boot black boot stepped out help Course it was. It was Carl all right. Carl Durbin. i practiced my husband raped me i said because carl had just got done doing it to me that way and the stuff was still stinging way up inside but had started running down my legs too as i said it i practiced he swallowed air No ma’am, it wasn’t the first time. work it out honey car man said and his smile dried up like mud Six months, a year maybe. what they think i dont know who did what to me i know carl and that the car man was someone i dont know wish it had been daddy in the car help except i dont know if i could tell all the things to him and daddy hadnt ever much liked carl anyway i don’t think it stung it still stings always A lot. car man shifted quick back into drive boot and i heard his door slam as his tires took him away fast like all the cars on our street go fast even when theyre not i can hear the sound of their speed It’s gotten worse, is what. my husband raped me And more. Yes, often. raped me that bottle up inside the stinging scarf More often. It’s not right. i practiced my husband raped me my husband me raped
he drove off and left me but it wasnt unpleasant alone in the street mild the black air in the night and there was a clear cut half moon shining over my head and carl was laying asleep on the floor i knew he wasnt dead But I felt a little free. What? Oh no sir, not that, not doing it, not with him, you only feel bad. stinging stinking and pain and sad and no hope and cars speeding by my husband raped me Standing out in the street, I mean, after, free. breeze going through my nightdress and drying me off free as the breeze i thought and i liked that in french my name means happy or something felice i used to think i was i used to think id go to france someday and meet a french girl named happy But I knew it couldn’t last and that I had to get freer. scissors they dont know dont want to From him, Carl. Yes, Carl, and the things. theyre writing this down whatever i say but i dont see that they believe me carls one of them they protect their own i know he says it often enough no hope for you girlie he says from inside his laugh over and over me time after time it hurts no hope Things, yes. scarf which was so pretty but even though it looks the same the pretty is gone siphoned off a little at a time ugly me carl hurting things That he did. To me. carl if he was explaining theyd get it cause he can talk and make people see things his way and hes one of them theirs hed even maybe put in about the bottle and the scarf and the scissors and my asking him not to begging hed say was part of it like we agreed but not how much it hurts and inside me stings the stuff inside the bottle inside stings me The bottle? into me bees stinging millions of sharp blood stingers stinging Yes, sir, I did. Back of the head. carls not dead im not so lucky if i put in these things into what i say things will they believe me him yes but me No sir, I don’t know who called the police.